A Story

I think that a lot of people think I should have moved on, I should have started to deal with my grief, or at least be dealing with it better than I seem to be. Maybe they are right, maybe I am just making excuses......

I was born into one family, they gave me up and I was adopted out. I grew up never feeling that I fit into this family, I never fulfilled their expectations. When my brother "ran away" a grand search was launched. (He didn't run away, just went to visit an aunt be didn't tell anyone) Me? Well my parents offered to help me pack. Don't get me wrong, they loved me.....I just wasn't what they had hoped to have in a child. I was a rebel. I never seemed to fit in, not in school, nowhere.
I married at a young age to a man 11 years older. All that came out of that union was 3 wonderful children and a lot of physical and mental abuse. Sleeping in the car with the children to avoid him and his drunken rages, that kind of thing. Finally I left that marriage. Being a single parent was not something I ever envisioned but I did the best I could.

One day Bryon came into my life. We didn't mean to fall in love, he was still legally married but slowly it happened. I fell so deeply in love, it was something I had thought would always be for others, not me. Here was this wonderful man who accepted me for who I was he was soft spoken, told things the way there were, had a sense of humour. Not to sound corny but it was like a fairytale. He was like that warm flannel shirt on a cold day.Bryon let me be me........he got it, finally someone accepted me, and even loved me. Our life was not without it's ups and downs, but I can honestly say that in 23 years we had perhaps 4 fights. I could be with him 24/7 and never get tired of him. We were comfortable in the silence, we finished one and others sentences.  Then he left me, he died.

I had to make the decision on his care, did I want the doctors to do all possible to keep him alive, should I let nature take it's course. Herein lies the problem. My heart and brain are not on the same page, heck, not even in the same book.  My head says I did what he would have wanted, quality vs quantity, my heart is saying" you stupid B.....ch" you might have been able to have a few more years with him. I went to see Dr. David the other day, had a nice long talk, got to vent, tell him how I feel. He told me that what Bryon had was terminal, if not in the next few months, then 1,2,3, years. Bryon was in so much pain that when he went into the hospital and they were able to ease the pain that he finally felt it was time to go, he had suffered enough, he couldn't take anymore. I got angry, that is not the way Bryon was, he was a fighter, he would not willingly leave this world, he would not leave me,how dare my doctor say these things!!!!!!! He allowed me to live with hope, false hope! I felt that I had let Bry down, I had not been able to help ease his pain. I have had a couple of days to think about everything Dr D said. He did what he felt was right, he was just a vessel for me to vent some of my anger at. My hope is that my family and friends will understand that losing Bryon was like being ripped apart, I am so lost. Bryon got it.............he knew that eventually I would find my way.

Love you Pooterbear.