Out of control

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Ever notice that when you feel like your life is spinning, totally out of control you find something that you feel you can control. Well for me it is cutting the lawn, I have almost become anal about it, don't like it shaggy, grass has to be raked up. Then wouldn't you know it the mower breaks down when you are not finished with it. Of course the lawn looks awful at least in my mind. So, today I learned how to take the carburator out fo the lawn mower, clean it up and reasemble it without having any, and I mean any pieces left over and guess what? It runs. Got the pool up and running....got the pool draining. Started to lean way to much on one side,was not safe for the gkids. Bryon and I hauled sand in a couple of years, painstaking leveled it out but last year after he was diagnosed everything went to hell in a handbasket. So, instead of cleaning outside windows this weekend I will be spreading sand,leveling and basically starting with the pool from start.Pool party anyone? Keeps my mind busy and my body exhausted so  I can go to sleep at night. Rigth now all I see is lowering my husband into his grave and I hear the dirt hit his urn and it is shoveled in.Not condusive to a good nights sleep. I so wanted to go back the next day dig him up and bring him home with me, But he is where he wanted to be. It has been alsmost 8 months and it seems that I miss him more everyday. Not in the way that I wish he were here to help , but in the quieter ways,soft carresses, kisses, holding hands, the looks yes the look of love.