James

Sometimes into what seems the dark hours a ray of sun shines through. My sunshine came in a "little" (9lb1oz) great grandchild. We are great grandparents! James was born this morning to my granddaughter Chelsea. Welcome to the family James. I know Bryon is watching down on you and will always be your guardian angel. One day when you are old enough I will tell you all about him.
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Anger?

In the mood to trash everything! Take a sledge hammer to the hot tub, break everything I can lay my hands on. Just feel so crappy, angry!!!!!!!!! Glad I have my dogs they keep me from doing something stupid.
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Anniversary

Today Bryon and I have been married 21 years and together 24 years. When we first started seeing each other there was a lot of "firsts "hug,kiss,walk holding hands. This last 10 months have been a whole new series of "firsts"today being yet another one. I wanted to write this blog with complete honesty,it is my place to put my feelings down to rant to chronicle our life...my life.
Bryon said that he would wait for me behind the moon. For the last week or more I have wanted to go.
Oct 29th there is no full moon but the next one is Nov.11th. I thought that would be a perfect day to die, to go and be with Bryon. I am fully aware that this not a healthy thought and I am also aware that it is something I would not do. I miss you so much and sometimes life doesn't seem worth living...but live I will do. Things will get better, there will be a time that I don't feel so raw. There is no handbook to help me navigate my "new reality" so I put my feelings on my blog and one day, when the pain is less I will read it from the start.

Happy Anniversary Pooter Bear
I love you and always will. You changed my life more that you knew.
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Housework

It's amazing the amount of housework I can get done now that I don't have a husband. The day is just filled with endless possibilities. Take today for instance, I work a split shift so at lunch time I took down my bedroom curtains washed them and vacuumed around the window. Now I am off to carpet shampoo the spare bedroom. Silly me, all those years of being married and instead of doing all this work I sat and laughed, and talked with my husband. The reality of it all is I have to keep busy, that way my mind doesn't go to dark places, the place where I realize how much I miss Bryon.
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Life sucks

Lately I can say with true conviction that Life Sucks, being a widow sucks, just about everything sucks!!! A person can only enroll in so many classes, work, volunteer whatever. You still come home to an empty house. No one to ask you how your day went, no one for you to tell what a crappy day you've had. No one to tell you everything is going to be all right.....well news flash....at this given time I feel that nothing will ever be all right again. My co-worker says I'm depressed, no fun anymore. It's only been almost 10 months since Bry died, our anniversary is on the 18th but what the heck I guess I am a wimp for not sucking it up. Honestly I am trying to live not just exist but lately that takes way too much energy. I keep telling myself that things have to change....right. I want to sell everything, pack my car with what I need, take my "girls" and just go far far away.
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Sunday Night

I have this profound sense of loneliness. Time is not making it any better, if anything each day I realize more and more what my life is missing. I can be around others and yet I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I try to engage with what is going on but can't seem to. I want to live life, not merely exist but at present that sentiment seems unobtainable.

Human Nature

I honestly think that it is in the genetic makeup of mankind to always be in a hurry. We look at our watches or clocks contemplating when we should be somewhere, what we should be doing, anything and everything seesm to revolve around the time. Since Bryon died I find myself slowing down, not caring what time it is or where I should be. That is not to say I am always late but rather I am not obsessed with it. It has nothing to do with age and in my opinion all to do with the realization that the faster  time goes, the more we become aware of it, the sooner our time is up and we die.To coin a cliche I now "stop to smell the roses" more, to marvel at an eagle in flight, to watch the sun slowly set, to savour life.I used to set myself "goals" things I had to get done in the day. no more, if they don't get done so be it, it's not as if they will not be there tomorrow. I don't know how much time I will be granted to be on this earth but by jimminy I want to make the most of it. Tonight I sat and watched as a lily started to close it's petals as the sun set. I wish I had learned this lesson when Bryon was alive, but in my mind there was always tomorrow......well you never know when you will run out of tomorrows. Make the most of each day.....slow down.

Friends

Bryon and I never had a lot of friends, didn't feel the need, we had each other. I have a very small group that I can call friends but not enough that I feel comfortable calling then up and telling them what a crappy day I had. If I had the resources(nice term for unlimited money) I would pack up my car, grab my girls and my camera and go. Don't know where, don't care. I love taking pictures and I think I have a gift for it. I would love to sit in the Badlands of South Dakota and watch the sun set,wait for the perfect rain storm complete with lightening. I would talk to the old timers listen to them talking about the olden days. Then I would move on. I could put together a coffee table book of my journey. Maybe out there I could rediscover who I am, come to terms with Bryons death.maybe I could become whole again. But as Bryon would say "it's a nice dream". Yes a nice dream but dreams don't pay the bills. But I will hold on to this dream, one day,maybe one day.
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Tuesday after a long weekend

I have found myself emersing myself in music. I load up my ipod with the oldies, classical , rap and some of the more modern generes. I sit and listen to these  tunes blaring in my ears. I also listen to the words being sung. They go something like: you are the air that I breath, I would died if you ever left me, my heart beats for you...you get the drift. When two are in love they are nice sentiments but that is all they are. You do not die if you loose them, you might want to but chances are you aren't going to. You feel lonely, sad, you spend a lot of time looking back, wishing for those few moments back. I like Bruno Mars :talking to the moon:Yesterday by leona lewis, Just a feeling by Marron 5. Songs can transport me back to better times, close my eyes and Bryon is sitting with me on the back stoop. There really arent alot of widow songs out there, not commercially viable. Hey there could be, talking abut the lose but also the good times and how you will go on living.So it is late< i have work tomorrow but I am going to crank up my music, and live!!!!!
Enjoy Pooter, this next one is for you and me: Somewhere out there from the secret of NIMH by Nights Bridge.It was one of our" songs.