Hindsight

If I had know before what I know now I would have:
Realized laundry doesn't go away, time taken away from Bryon
Dinner doesn't have to be on time.....I could have sat and talked with you longer,
The book on my nightstand is not nearly as interesting as you...
What I would give to cuddle you
That the one beer I told you you shouldn't have because of your meds......in the long run it didn't make a difference.....that perhaps I should have listened more attentively when you retold your silly jokes.....I miss the sound of your voice.....I hate "old country music" I wish I had listened to it with you more often.....I wish I had taken more time watching you trying to keep the house functional....I would not be going crazy trying to figure out how you did it with such ease....for everything I took for granted, for taking you for granted I am so sorry.

Behind the moon you will be when I get the chance to kiss you,hug you for eternity.
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Conversation

There are times in the day that something happens and I start to look for or phone Bryon. Last Friday Sherry sent me a text telling me that our ex son-in law had died. He was 39 years old. He left behind a family and Bryons grandson Nate. Today my front tire looked like it was going flat and a myriad of other day to day things that would go so much easier if Bry were here. This new reality really sucks. My dogs don't care about flat tires, broken dryers or people that have died way before there time. They are just so happy when I come home.
It is nice that when I rant and rave Boots cocks her head to the side, looks at me with her big brown eyes and pretends to understand.
Yup sometimes life sucks!
Oh did I mention that at the end of June I am unemployed?
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Friday night

Another Friday night, the end of the work week. When Bryon was with me I would wait up for him and together we would sit and chill. Tonight I am sitting in the dark with a candle burning, music cranked and me singing along.....off tune of course but my girls don't seem to care. Instead of holding my husbands hand I scratch the "girls" heads. Once again they don't care that they are a substitute for Bryon they just want more. Music evokes such feelings, sadness,joy, what memories it can bring out. On one level I am content on another I want to rant at the unfairness that death has brought upon me! So I think I will go and turn the music up louder and maybe, just maybe I will dance.
Love you Bryon
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Last good bye

Today was the day that I said my last "good-bye" to you. Leaving you in Ontario was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Always in my heart....love you!
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One year ago

A year ago Sherry, Tec and myself had driven over 3000 km back to Ontario with Bryons remains. A year ago Cassey, his friend and myself dug your grave. Looking back I wonder how I managed to do it. A grave is so final.
You are still with me Bryon.
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Content

I think I have reached a stage of peace, contentment. I am happy with my life, I find joy in sitting listening to my music(in the dark with a candle burning) or sitting out back with a my solar lights. Bryon hated the ones that changed colour so to piss him off I went and bought lots of them. In my mind I hear him telling me "why the coloured ones, enough Wendy! Charles stopped at the bar tonight and met one of Bryons co workers. Andre recounted stories of Bryon. One being of Bryon pulling into work on his motorcycle with his helmet undone. Always a bone of contention with me. He let Charles know that Bryon was missed by the guys and how well liked he was. You certainly left your mark darling. I am at peace, I miss you, you are the only one for me . I know that someday I will be with you again. In the meantime I draw comfort feeling your love surround me. This is not the life I envisioned for me but it is the life I have and I will live it to the fullest!
Miss you Bryon
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