Obituarys

I have this habit of reading obituarys. It used to be a standing joke between Bryon and I that as long as we didn't see our name there we should start our day. Have you ever noticed how many say....so and so died surrounded with love....... now maybe it is just me but I don't want any family around when I die! The last memory they have of me will not be me taking my last breath. As for "surrounded by love" well I feel that every day why should everyone gather at my death to show love. If you haven't shown it while I was alive I would say it"s a little late. Also have you ever noticed that even the truly mean, hateful nasty person is put on a pedestal. Never have I read an obit that said"so and so died, thank goodness for they really were not a nice person. The world is better off" nope , once you die you are elevated almost to sainthood.

Just some "before bed" thoughts and ramblings.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Cooking for one sucks!

Cooking for only myself does not give me a lot of incentive. Sure I could make a roast beef and yorkshire dinner and share it with the girls but let's face it, no matter what I put down in front of them they will woolf it down so the gratification factor is out the window. When Bryon was alive I could guarantee at least one good, sit down meal a day. He used to jokingly say that he worried about me if he died. He seemed to think that peanut butter, banana sandwiches on sourdough bread was not a good life sustaining diet. I off course begged to differ. It has protein, fruit and starch, sounds yummy to me! Well after he died peanut butter and bananas became a dietary stable but hey....I'm a big girl now, it is on ancient grain multi bread. Phase two was chips and dip(onion and bacon) every night, then I graduated to sub sandwiches, guess they are a bit healthier, mexican 7 layer dip was the next staple and that lasted for almost 2 months. Samosa,burgers the whole gamit. Yup, cooking for one leaves a lot to be desired. The kids must think I'm crazy because when they come over for a BBQ I tend to go overboard even going so far as to cook 3 different kinds of meats. Lots of leftovers for them. It is just really nice to cook for someone else. Oh did I forget the marshmallow and chocolate dinners I had....bad Wendy bad!
Anyhow I am trying not to follow Bryons prediction, tonight was tomato and avocado sandwich and a salad. How I would like to cook some rouladan, a glazed ham and scalloped potatoes but.....cooking for one is not fun, moreover it is a day reminder of what and who I lost.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

22 years

Happy Anniversary Bryon,
22 years married, together 25!
I remember you saying that our marriage was what you imagined marriage to be. We had a great run for the money didn't we. I know, I know, I can hear you saying "why are you writing me a letter" I am not alive. But you see Bryon to me you are very much with me, each and every day. Darn it all now I am crying. I do miss you. Some days it is so hard just to exist. That is when you give me that look. "Come on old girl" you can do it. Remember our pet names...Festis and Ethel. I hope you know that you are the best husband. We allowed each other to be who we were, we accepted each other, faults and all. I am sort of angry at you for leaving me
But that is just me being selfish. This is not the life we talked about, we were supposed to grow old together.
Thank you Bryon for giving me unconditional love and acceptance. Thank you for giving me so many years of knowing "life"
Love you
Wendy


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Smile...It's Wednesday

Out here on the "left" coast or as I like to call it the "best" coast we are not used to having temperatures in the mid 30's. That is what it has been for the last couple of days. My pool has become my best friend. My poor dogs, they don't do heat very well. After work I put them in the car and off we went for a drive with the air conditioner jkust blasting. After the drive I decided ti take them for a short walk. Bear in mind that it was on the last walk in January that we had the encounter with the coyotes and I broke my hip. The fact that I am blogging goes to show that the walk went well and I arrived home in one piece. Having not had a walk in 8 months the girls were really good. My neighbour came over after for a swim. We sat around and talked for a bit. We reminisced about some of our travels. He knew about a lot of places that Bryon and I had been.
It was so nice to be able to recall those times with Bryon, to laugh and to realize just how lucky I am to have shared 25 wonderful years with him. I wish it had been Friday as we could have reminisced for hours.
Love you Pooter
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Dark days

Lately awakening to each day is akin to waking up knowing I have to try to crawl out of some dark, long tunnel. It is so hard and I feel like just saying to heck with it, I am staying right where I am. Then in a part of my mind I remember what it is like to see the sun, to feel the warmth and I know that I must keep trying. I don't know why I feel this way, perhaps it is because on the 18th of this month we are celebrating our 22 anniversary,maybe it is because soon we will be coming up to the second year of your death. Each day is so hard to get through, I wish you were here, you were my guide, my rock. When you were around I just knew that no matter what the day might bring, good or bad, we would face it together.
Our grandaughter told me that she had a dream about you, in it you were holding her son James, our great grandson, you had your cowboy hat on.You never got to see him, to hold him, or to see what a great mother Chelsea has become. In her I see alot of you, your humour, your quest for answers,your wanting to grab life and live it too the fullest. I hope that when James is old enough, that he will learn all about you, that in some way he will know you. I pray that when he needs guidance that you will be there for him, for all of the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, and for me.

Thunderstorm

Right now we are in the midst of a thunderstorm. We don't get a lot of them out on the coast. Something about the mountains and air flow. Anyhow, Abby is a mess, shaking, trying to hide, dogging my every move, Boots on the other hand is content to hide under the table in my office. Bryon would have loved this, we used to sit outside in the rain and watch the storm, savour the fresh smell, bask in the sheer joy of the power of the lightening. It takes me back to the time we were in the states, one of the flat areas. We were heading back to Ontario and stopped for the night. A thunderstorm came and we sat out back of the motel and watched the fork lightening. All of a sudden.......crash, sirens, and off we went to see what had happened. Seems the lightening had hit someones barn.
I have been feeling really down, missing Bryon, wanting him back, something I know will not happen.  I am still trying to get used to him being dead, I know it has been almost 2 years but it feels like yesterday.
Maybe this storm is him having a big party up there with all his relatives, maybe even my mother and father are there with him. I miss him. I wish I could sit by and really enjoy this fury of nature, but it just brings back too many memories, memories that we should be making now. On the same trip we ran into another storm. I remember driving down the highway, rain pelting down so hard we had to pull over. We watched the lightening and I tried to capture it on the video camera. Over there, no over there, there did you get it?  I can still hear his voice. Yes Bryon we got it!!
I am going to go and sit on the couch, watch the storm, hug my dogs and let my mind wander back.

Miss you my Pooter Bear.