March 07

Bryon and I would have these discussions, things about what would we want done in the case of... quality of life VS quantity. You talk about it, then it is gone, out of your mind. After all, THAT day is a long way off,you might never have to make it. That day hit me last October, the emergency doctor asked me what kind of care would Bryon want, if he went into heart failure should they try to get him back. We were advocates of quality not quantity. I gave him an honest answer, not once thinking that it would come down to that. I thought long and hard about it. Now almost 4 months later I wonder if I made the right decision, should I have told them to do everything possible to make him live. I asked out long time family doctor if I made the right decision, of course he said "yes" let's face it, what could he say...Well Wendy your are an complete fuck up....I would not have made that decision" This is the conversation that is going on in my mind right now. I know the stats say that cancer would have killed Bryon within the next 5 years, and the chances of it being a long and painful death were good odds. Still, should I have had them try harder? Would it have been fair to subject him to the rigourous efforts to bring him back, would he have felt pain, would that have been what he wanted? During our talks I made him a promise, if and when the end was near, if he was in absolute pain, I would help him exit gracefully. My love for him was so great, that no matter how hard it might be, if he had decided that he had enough I would do this final act of love for him. I didn't have to, insteaad I had to listen to what the doctors said, weigh what his chances of survival were, what kind of survival would he have. All of our doctors said I made the right choice. If so, why is it so hard to live with??????? Wherever Bryon is I pray that he is not angry with me. I love him so much, I miss him each waking moment. I just want him back.