One year ago

Death....you were cheated! He did not die.....he lives in my heart, in my very being.
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Oct 28

In my 60 years of life I have had my share of pain. The death of friends, pets, parents and a marriage. Nothing, not all that has gone before could prepare me for the death of Bryon. I am sitting here reliving everything that we went through a year ago. At 7:00 the doctor called me to the hospital.....Bryon has pneumonia, in an hour at 10;00. they call me, this time it is in "the room" wanting to know my wishes should Bryon go into cardiac arrest how far should they carry treatment. It is tearing me apart...did I make the right decision? I knew in my heart that Bryon was a fighter and he would give this fight his all. I also knew that in all probability that if he made it tonight that we would probably buy 5 to 8 more years. I wanted those years. In the end it was Bryons time to go, no more pain, just slip quietly,peacefully into another realm...behind the moon. My whole being wants to be with him....but not yet. It is not my time, I still have things to do here. Bryon was my life love, my salvation....everything. I miss him.
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Thursday

I feel as if I am living the movie "Groundhog Day" This last year has felt like it.

Pathetic

I think I have reached a new level in being pathetic. My girls(dogs)go almost everywhere with me. Now they are what is called "reactive" meaning that when they are in the car and see another dog or cat or whatever they feel the need to carry on and bark and bark. Today I was on my way back from Walmart minus the dogs. When I drove past a dog on the sidewalk I went"woof woof"
Ahh come on, the girls weren't there to do it so I did. I really need to find some humans to go for a ride.
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"Stress Day"

Today was a major "I miss you days" I had to go to the hospital for a "stress" test. I have not been to RCH since the day after Bryon died, so as I went to check in for my tests I had minor meltdown. It brought back so many memories, taking Bryon there, registering him. They asked for my Carecard and I reached into my purse and grabbed the first one there....it was Bryons. For about a minute I couldn't talk. When I finlly found my voice I explained to the clerk about Bryon and all the memories being here brought back. On top of all this my daughter was sitting in emergency.I went to check on her and had to walk past the cubicle where Bryon had been, where I said "good bye" to him. My daughter has this rash, to put it mildly, more like boils that are infected all over her body.Extremely itchy and sore. She was seen at another hospital on the weekend where they ran tests. She went to her own doctor today to get the results and he sent her to RCH as it is a major hospital.Not one doctor, of all the specialists she saw today could tell her what she had. Oh she created quite a stir, doctors coming in to take pictures of her hand, but no help could they offer. Some offered ideas that ranged from a major infection to a drug allergy, as she had been on antibiotics for a throat infection. Tomorrow is yet another specialist. I felt so alone when I came home to our house, our empty house. There was no one to talk to, to comfort me, to tell me everything would be alright, your hand was not there for me to reach out and hold. On a lighter note, I must have a strong heart for the stress test turned out really well. What a surprise given all the stress I was under.

I would rather feel pain than feel nothing.
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Hypothetical question

If given a chance to have my Bryon back for 1 hour and all it would take is for me to give up 10 years of my life....would I do it? To hold him, talk to him, tell him that he was my everything...to love him. No! It's not the 10 years of my life it would be the pain of having to say "good bye" again the pain of seeing him go. I like to think that I had as few as possible "I wish I had said " or "I wish I had done"

Cherish what you have, cherish what you had.
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Front Porch Light

It used to be that we turned the porch light on if company was coming or we ordered in, it was something welcoming. Since Cancer has been in our life the front porch light means that an ambulance has been called. Prettty sad how a illness can change how you precieve something as mundane as a light.It was dark tonight when I returned from Thanksgiving dinner at my sons. I came in, let the girls out and went to sit in the living room. The neighbours front porch light was on. Marj lost her husband Jim to cancer almost two years ago and she had surgery last Thursday. My mind went into overdrive so I called her up to make sure she was alright. We widows look after one and other. She had just ordered pizza much to my relief.

You Promised Me

I think in the back of both of our minds we knew that cancer would kill Bryon and often by the fire we would talk about our life, our dreams.It was during one of these talks, the "what if" kind I asked Bryon that if he died would he please find some way to let me know he was alright, no longer in pain, in peace. It has been almost a year and still I wait for a sign or so I thought. Tonight I went out to dinner with Charles, Marnie and the grandchildren. While walking to the restaurant I looked up at the sky. There were dark grey storm clouds gathering but running through this darkness was a streak of the most vibrant pink. Bryon had kept his promise, he gave me beauty in the midst of the darkness. I wish that I had my camera but in retrospect it is the kind of memory best kept in my heart.

Someday......behind the moon.

Thank you Sherry

When someone in your life dies you feel as if your whole world has been shattered. You feel alone, don't know what to do or where to turn. When Bryon died I was so blessed to have his daughter Sherry fly half way across the county to come and be with me, to guide me, and be a shoulder to cry on. Together we sat and cried, laughed and remembered. Sherry was a godsend. When her sisters husband Mike died once again Sherry was there. Sherry has this knack of just being there, a calming effect.  Two deaths in one year is alot to have to deal with, let alone being there to help to support. I am learning to live without my husband, it is a slow and painful process. Sherry is learning to live without her father and brother in law. I hope that she knows just how much her dropping everything not once but twice meant to me. When I drove back to Ontario to bury Bryon, once again Sherry flew out to make the drive back with me .Together we brought Bryon back home. I can't begin to imagine how hard this last year has been on her. I know that Bryon is proud of her, proud of all his children.  I hope and pray that among all the chaos, all of them, can find some peace. Please know how much your Dad loved you and thank you Sherry.

Gone

My company have left and once again I come home to a quiet house. If I can't have my husband to greet me then I guess the next best thing is to be greeted by my dogs. Truly how can you have a bad day when you are greeted with wildly wagging tails? Thank goodness for the girls, at least I can carry on a conversation without looking and feeling like I'm crazy. It's the best of both worlds, I talk, they listen and I am always right.
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