Three A.M. Ramblings

Middle of the night and sure enough one of my "girls" have to go out. I was sitting on the stairs waiting for them and I saw lying on the basement floor one of those "green" shopping bags. My mind flit back to the day I acquired it......it was the day I brought Bryons cremated remains home. They had placed his urn in it and off I went.....just like returning from the store only this time instead of food I carried my dead husband. It must be the hour for I started to laugh thinking of an imaginary coversation. "I honey I'm home" "whatcha got in the bag " "oh just my dead husband" Why a grocery type bag, why not a small card board box? As I said, it is the middle of the night, a time when my mind wanders off on it's own .

You are always in my thoughts Pooter Bear. " Behind the moon"
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Long weekend

It has been almost 19 months since I have seen Bryon. Each and every day I feel his presence around me, I still expect to hear him pull up on his motorcycle, see him walking up the stairs. It seems as if each day harkens the raw pain, the mourning. In my mind he is still in Montana, and will be coming home. That is how I get through each day.

Someday I will be behind the moon.

Seniors "dating"

I think I have had a stupid month. I went online to one of those "seniors" dating sites. I thought that it would be nice to find a friend, someone to perhaps go out to dinner with, or a walk. That was it, nothing else! After several emails I met with Gary for coffee. He stated that he too was widowed. We met at Tim Hortons for coffee then went down to the river and sat and talked.....so far so good except I kept comparing him to Bryon.  After an hour we went back to our cars, started to say good bye and he asked for a hug!!!!!!!FRIENDSHIP, nothing else is what I wanted. A week later he invited me to dinner at Boston Pizza. What an exciting conversation we had, let's see, we talked about his dentures, his dead ex wife who he hated, his kids and grandkids. When we departed he asked for a kiss!!!!!!!!!!Yuck, no way once again FRIENDSHIP what part of that word did he not understand. Throughout this whole ordeal I felt that I was betraying Bryon, I am still married. I walked away from this ordeal with a renewed sense of my life. I am going to live it my way, I don't need or want another man in my life, friendship or not. I have the love of my life with me, he has never left me, he lives in my heart and memories. Moreover he guides me every day.
Later that night I talked with a dear friend in California, Mary. We spent almost an hour and a half just catching up on one and others lives. The conversation was one of the most profound I have had in awhile. Mary gets it, she understands that I feel still married. In her church when  you are married you are bound  for eternity with that person, death does not change it. Most religions say "until death do you part, the Moromon religion takes it further, to eternity. I ended the conversation with a total feeling of peace. Yes I am still married to the love of my life and one day we will be together again.
Love you Pooter Bear.