an New Chapter

It seems that on each anniversary, two so far, a new chapter is started in my life book.At first I wondered how I would make it through each day, week, month, without my husband.  But here I am, starting my third year. Well meaning friends have told me that I seem to have adjusted well. Not to demean their good intentions, let's face it, what choice do I have? in my world none. Kick ass and get on with life. I try, and sometimes it's really hard, to stay positive, to remember how lucky I am to have known Bryon and to have been loved by him. People, including my family, ask me if I will ever "date" again. I don't know the answer to that. In my mind I am still very married.  There are times when I think it might be nice to have a male friend, someone to talk to, go for walks, to help fill the void. It is the last part of that sentence that scares me and tells me I am not ready to allow someone into my life. I have to learn how to fill the void on my own. If and when I get to the point that I do not compare men to Bryon, then perhaps I might entertain the idea of a companion. I understand that someone else might be able to enrich my life, to guide me in new directions, to expand who I am. Knowing my luck it will happen when I am 102 years young or maybe I will meet someone when I am dancing at our great grandsons wedding in 20 years or so. Life is full of surprizes, it is not like the lottery where you pay your money and probably lose. Each day that I wake up is like winning the lottery, for who knows what will happen.

Always in my thoughts Bryon.

Missing you

Lonely........reliving yesterday's.

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Company

My brother and sister in law left yesterday after a 2 week visit. It was nice having voices (other than my own) in the house. I did the so called normal things, I actually made dinners. They are gone home and what remains for me is the silence and reminder of what Bryon and I shared. Oh we'll, my fish tank needs cleaning, I might start to paint the upstairs hall and there is always the dinning room that needs some TLC. See......I do have a life!

Miss you Bry

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Dream

I am not one to remember my dreams but the other night was the exception.
It was one of those ones that kept repeating itself. Bryon walked in the back door, came upstairs and resumed his life. I asked him where he had been for 2 years and he just gave me one of his silly grins. I kept asking him where he had been, fact is, I got pretty pissed at him because he refused to answer. I was glad he was home but I still wanted an answer. When I woke up of course he wasn't beside me in bed. I was let down. Somewhere in my mind I came to an answer about the dream. Oct 29 will be 2 years since he moved off planet and the dream was his way of telling me he was no longer in pain, he was whole again.

Life is not forever......love is.

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Thanksgiving Weekend

This year is the second Thanksgiving that Bryon is not with us. I have spent a lot of the last week preparing food. Ham, turkey, homemade lasagna,cabbage rolls and perogys. Not to mention a couple of desserts.
These were some of his favourite foods, and once again I will set a place at the table for him. Not to mourn but to celebrate our life together. My brother Dale(not to be confused with my sister Dale, but that is another story) and his wife are out from Toronto for 2 weeks. Our son and his family and Kristina, one of our daughters will celebrate with me. It truly is a time of giving thanks. I am lucky to have a loving , supportive family. I am blessed to have known true, unconditional love. It will be a joyfull time, filled with laughter, love and yes, a tinge of sadness. When Bryon first died I felt my life was over, I didn't see anyway I could or wanted to continue living. Now 2 years have passed, the pain is still with me but also a renewed reason to continue living, filling each day with with as much life as I can. I am the person Bryon thought I was! I feel him with me everyday and our love still grows. That may seem odd, but as I look back at our life I remember the little things. His laugh, the twinkle in his eyes, the waterfights we had, the water balloons being dropped on one of Sherrys admirers, the whipping cream necklaces, his funny or so he thought jokes. At that time they were just part of our life, now they get me through my days. I want his children to know just how much he loved them. How much he missed them, how proud he was of them. One the day before he died I was trying to get him dressed and he started fussing with a towel. I asked him what he was doing, he said" getting the bed ready for Tam" Right up to the end, you were in his thoughts. Yes, we have a lot to be thankful for. For me it is because Bryon walked part of his time on earth with me.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and readers.
Happy thanksgiving Bryon.