Friday

Four weeks, one hour and four minutes, how I miss you.

Monday

Our life was not supposed to be this way, we were going to travel, have fun, sit by the fire, grow old together. You are gone, and I am left behind, I miss you, how I miss you. I am tethered here by family, and the girls. They keep me grounded. I try not to cry around the girls, they are having a hard enough time....missing you, looking out the window for you. My mind travels back to those last couple of days, what could I have done differently, was there anything that would have kept you here? I revisit the last time I saw you, you looked so peaceful, without pain. I wanted to lie down with you, to drift to where you had gone, to be with you forever. Instead I gave you my last gift,a kiss. I go through the motions of living each day but there is a big part of me that is gone and it is only motions, motions of life.

Saturday night

Most people who knew Bryon would say that he had a great sense of humour, the other thing they would say was that he loved his dogs (the girls)We had 3 dalmations that had passed on, Bryon always wanted a Dal and we were graced with 3. Anyhow, when they died we had them cremated and their urns sat on out mantle. It was Bryons wish that they be put in with him, so I tried to honour that request. Maybe one day I will see the humour in what ensued but right now I can't. I took the girls urns up to the funeral home and requested that after they put Bryon in his urn, what ever space was left to put some of the girls in, then a St Christoper medal. Whatever could not fit in with Bryon of the girls they were supposed to put back into what I call the dog urn. I went to pick up Bryon and the funeral guy told me that they couldn't fit all of Bryon in his urn so they put the remains in the dog urn!So what I had was dogs in Bryons urn and Bryon( at least a good part of him) in the dogs. Not what they had been instructed to do. Now Bryon would find this funny, not me.I went home and thought about it, did I really hear him correctly???? Yes, I did. The next day Bryon, the girls and I went for a car ride, back up to the funeral home. There they did their best to correct their huge mistake. Human remains and dog remains are different, so they sorted them out, put all of Bryon in his urn and what they coudn't fit in of the girls went in their urn. Of course there were apologizes and more apologizes. The St Chris medal made it in as well, as they forgot that the first time around. Forgive me Bryon if I don't see the funny in this right now.

I delude myself in order to get through the days and nights. In my mind I say that he is on his way back east to visit family....right about now he is in Montana. It is always Montana. Probably because that is a state we fell in love with. I relive the last week with him, I feel his pain, I can't stop his pain, I do my best. I see him in the hospital, I feel my hand in his, I see him when I went to say "good bye" I see the peace, I feel my torment, my pain, the void in my world.

I miss you Pooter, I love you, our love is something that even death can't take away.

Satrday Night

The saying is that time heals.....that is the saying. To me, each second, minute, hour, day that ticks by reminds me of how I miss Bryon. I remember the happy times, I try to savour those moments but right now my loss fills my heart. Today I started to clean the bedroom, you know all that dust that never gets to see the light of day from under the bed, today was going to be their day of reckoning. That lead to washing the wall, and other assorted cleaning. In my mind I heard Bryon say"looks really good, we should enjoy it until the "girls" come in" If I keep busy enough I think that I will not have face the fact that Bryon has gone. I am not missing him because he will come up the stairs any moment..denial or the realization of it is so cruel. There should be a handbook for people on what to say to someone who has had a death of someone close. "I'm sorry"...what are you sorry for, you didn't cause their death or."if you need anything call me" often said by co-workers or not so close friends...gee, I can't change the seal on my toilet, will you help? I know that people feel the need to say something and I am just bitter that I am on the receiving end of those well meaning phrases. I try not to be upset around the girls for they are feeling the loss as well. Clingy, mouthy, and protective. Bryon was a huge part of their world, it was he that would take them for long walks, share his meals with them, were there once was two to do that there is only one now. Boots still watches out the front window, waiting, waiting waiting. I met with Dr. F. on Friday, had to get some pwperwork from him. He said that when he saw Bryon Thursday night he had no idea that he would die. He thought he would respond to the antibiotics. It shook him when he heard. Bryon always said that the Cancer would not kill him....he was right...it was the cure that did. He fought long and hard, through out it all he kept his sense of humour. Cancer can be beaten, but for Bryon he just was too weak to fight of an infection.

Good night Bryon, I'll see you one day behind the moon.

Thursday night

Night time is bad, my mind wanders to dark places. Right now I would love to take Bryon's urn up to one of our many doctors offices, dump him out on their desk and ask them "what went wrong? I entrusted my husbands care to you and this is what I got!" I know that what happened had nothing to do with the care he received but damn it all, it was not supposed to be this way. It's funny, when someone you love is fighting for their life you start to do things...me....it was keeping the cuckoclock wound up. As long as there was time on it, lots of time.... then things would be all right. I never let it wind down for all the good it did.

Good night Bryon, I love you and miss you.
"Sam"

Saturday

Having cancer or being a caregiver for someone who has cancer is life changing. If you let it it can overtake your life. if you let it it will define you. It is one of those occurances that you find yourself putting your trust, your life in others hands. While down at the Cancer clinic in Vancouver I stood outstide and looked up, it was a humbling experience, to think of all the research that was going on behind the windows that I looked at. Don't let having cancer or being a caregiver rob you of precious moments, the touch of two hands, the smiles, the gentle touches, things that in everyday might pass you by. Rejoice in each and every moment. Cancer will become a part of your life, even when in remission it is still there. It is there in death. I am a cancer survivor, it has robbed me of my best friend, my husband.It has left it's mark on my very being and those around me, those who loved him. People are often leery of telling others about their cancer....don't be, let the world know that you are a fighter. Chemo might rob you of your hair, show it as a badge of courage, of strength. I am finding an inner strength to go on, I draw on the love, the memories that I shared with Bryon. By letting others know about cancer they might be moved to donate to research, to go on the Run for the Cure, to be there for you. On the path Bryon and I were fortunate enough to meet many wonderful people. Not just his healthcare team but others who were fighting.
Embrace each and every day!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday

I feel broken.

Wednesday

This is a hard post for me because as you all know Bryon died last Friday morning.
I miss him so much, his laugh, silly jokes his very being. I could not wish him back for after all the suffering he endured it would be selfish of me. Instead I choose to celebrate what we had, not mourn what I have lost. I was lucky to have been given 23 years with him and in those 23 years I experienced more joy, love and yes even frustration than many ever will. I am going to keep this blog going, goodness knows I no doubt will need a place to vent.

Thank you all and good night Bryon, I'll see you someday behind the moon.