Dec 12,2010

I received a gift tonight, just at sunset the sky burst forth in an glorious aray of colours. At one time Bryon and I would have stood out back to watch it. This was followed by the night sky falling and low and behold there was our moon. I was out with the girls and it seems that each night, no matter how cloudy it is the moon namanges to peak out, even if it is just for a minute. I can't sleep very well so this morning after our 5:30 a.m. dog walk I found myself across the river waiting for Pricesmart to open. Of course I had lots of time so the girls and I had another walk.
I got some christmas presents but everywere I look I see something and become aboutto buy it for Bryon. I want to go back to when our lives were full of possibilities,dreams and hope. Some people just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!They figure that enough weeks have gone by and that "I should get over it" I wake up in the morning thinking this is my life, empty, lonely, without Bryon. Pretty bleak, really empty. I find myself not wanting to go to work,to do just nothing...so unlike me. I want the world to just go away to I can live in the past, in the quiet I can hear him telling one of his jokes, or finishing my sentence,his laugh, smile,the feel of his hand in mine, the things that we take fo granted when we have it. When Bryon got so sick I was not only his lover, his wife but his caregiver, I can't fill that void.
We were meant to spend all out lives together, that is the way it was to be, we would grow old, tell off colour jokes and laugh like silly old fools. He would bitch about Christmas but would still love it. His mind would travel back to what he had missed with his own children and I would see the sadness, there was nothing I could say or do, just be there for him. '
I know that there are reason why things happen but right now I would just like to check out, to go and be with my Bry, but he wants me to come to him when the time is right, and I guess now is not the time. How much pain, emptyness,sadness,lonlyness can one survive????Bryon and I were lucky, we were each others soul mates, ying and yang, we balanced one and other. Without him my life has no balance.
I miss you, I love you, I want you back.......please