Saturday of long weekend

Please note this entry is being written after my sleeping pill, so bear with me with the spelling errors and gramar errors.Wth the cumulation in 2 weeks of 7 months of planning for Bryons funeral it is like loosing him all over again. I am officially off work for a month and leave next Friday to start my funeral vacation. If you break down the work funeral it becomes "fun""real" yeah like real fun. God these sleeping pills start to work fast! I am madly trying to get things together, things that belong to Bryons kids, it is their heritage. Add all that to a wood lathe and the back of my Sorento will be packed. I just can't forget to pack the most important passenger, my husband. I know that I will bounce back, we Wendys are good at that. If a person wallows in grief then they are disrespecting the dead persons memory. But it hard to climb out of the abyss.
OH Oh, sleeping pills are giving me :rented fingers and brain syndrome.
I should end this.......the end.

Is it really a good day?

And here I was, thinking that I was actually having a "good" day. For me a good day is one where I cry only once. The good day lasted until some well meaning friend came up to me and made the comment that I looked like I had aged 10 years!!! Yes, they knew about Bryon. Sure I have lost about 50 lbs but as Sherry put it I am a "hot" grandma soon to be great grandma. So, if you ever find yourself in the situation my friend was please, please, please keep your mouth shut! Loosing a husband does make you age, but so does every breath you take. Take a good look in the mirror and tell me that gravity has not played a role in how you look. I at least have another excuse. But hey, for the rest of the day I am the hot grandma!!!!

Comments please

I know that other people, people from around the wrold are reading this blog. Don't be shy, post a comment, sometimes I just need to see another person opinion. If you have gone through this please help me, we are all on the same journey.

Four more days

I have four more working days, I really don't know how I am making it through every hour. This is the funeral that has lasted almost 7 months. In most cases the person dies, you make arrangements, your mourn, and mourn and mourn. There is alot to be said for using the services of funeral homes. One is they take away a big burden, two they will dig the grave. I am trying to organize my husbands funeral. Out here in Vancouer my side of the family has already said "good-bye" this is for his side of the family. Maybe I am trying too hard but that is who I am. Planning the funeral gives me focus, it detracts from my feelings of emptyness, of missing him. In a small way it empowers me, I am doing something usefull, doing what has to be done. I don't know what will fill the void after it is over, probably crash and burn time. I ask why did you leave me? My answer is "it was time" But it wasn't time, we had so much we wanted to do, to see, to say. Death has robbed us of all that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait for me behind the moon........please.

A hug can mean alot

I have been so down lately, planning the funeral, second guessing myself, am I a fool to take this last drive together?
Last night I was getting ready for bed, I heard a car pull into our driveway. Grabbing a housecoat I answered the door, their was my dear friend Sue. It was 8:30 at night and she had just finished teaching a class and was on her way home. "I just felt that you needed a hug" was what she said. Oh Sue, how right you were and thank you.
A hug can and does make a big difference in peoples lives.

Wednesday

I have always tried to be a self reliant person but since the death of Bryon I have lost that, Today was a rude awakening for me as to why I have to regain it back. I planned this trip back east to bury Bryon and my friend wanted to tag along as far as Alberta. I planned the trip so that I could do this for her, well today she bailed on me. She has a good reason but just the same it sicks. The way it is looking now I will make the trip back to Vancouver on my own. It would have been nice to at least have some company...oh well. So that along with a host of other things allowed me to hold my very own "pity party"today.When a person dear to you dies, you plan the funeral, execute it, mourn and then slowly move ahead. Not me...oh no, this is the 7 month funeral.Why do the first 3 letters of the word funeral spell "fun?????" I could not take Bryon back to bury him any sooner as the ground would be frozen so this must mean it is one heck of a well planned funeral. Life just sucks big time. I know I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with it but damn it all, that just takes to much energy right now.
Yup, life sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Granddaughter

Riley is our 11 year old granddaughter. She had to write a project for school and then she posted it on her Facebook page. With her permission I am posting it here.

"Always there but not to be seen again stolen from your body that nobody could stop, always stood strong may of acted as if everything was alright but i knew it wasnt i wanted to help but there was nothing to do so i stood and watched as the cancer ate at your lungs slowly step by step it was taking you farther and farther away from me but you are now forever safe waiting behind the moon for all of us ♥ ~Riley "

Thank you Riley, you said it all.