8 months and 17 hours. I miss you so much.
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Living

I have lost my husband and a big part of myself. Tonight I realized that when you loose someone there is a tendency to simply exist, to make it through the next minute,hour, day. I have to start to make an effort not to exist but to live. Not sure how to go about this but it is something I have to do for me.
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Sunday

I sit on the couch, I close my eyes and reach out. I feel your hand embrace mine, I feel the gentle squeeze,you are here. My mind sees your face, the world is calm. I am in a place of peace....I treasure this moment.
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Friday night

Sitting listening to music on my ipod. all of it is not sad, a lot of it is what I call memory music.
Songs that bring Bryon back to me, makes me feel that he is here, around me, holding me.There is still this disconnect with me, I feel that half of me is gone. I have "good" days and I don't feel guilty about them for they keep me sane. Trouble is that something brings me back to my reality. Today I had to go to the bank to sign some papers to have Bryons name taken off the account. I tired to question why this had to be done, it is not as if he is going to be writing any cheques. The teller nicely told me that when a person was deceased the bank act states that the name has to be taken off the account  Guess that means that I can't use his bank card anymore.. Stupid bank act!!!!!! I still have cheques with both of our names on it, hummmm, wonder if it is illegal to use them? I really don't care! I am muddling my way through each day, slowly finding my way. Don' t want to be around anyone very much, not that we ever had the need to have an excess of people around us. As long as we had each other we were happy.

Out of control

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Ever notice that when you feel like your life is spinning, totally out of control you find something that you feel you can control. Well for me it is cutting the lawn, I have almost become anal about it, don't like it shaggy, grass has to be raked up. Then wouldn't you know it the mower breaks down when you are not finished with it. Of course the lawn looks awful at least in my mind. So, today I learned how to take the carburator out fo the lawn mower, clean it up and reasemble it without having any, and I mean any pieces left over and guess what? It runs. Got the pool up and running....got the pool draining. Started to lean way to much on one side,was not safe for the gkids. Bryon and I hauled sand in a couple of years, painstaking leveled it out but last year after he was diagnosed everything went to hell in a handbasket. So, instead of cleaning outside windows this weekend I will be spreading sand,leveling and basically starting with the pool from start.Pool party anyone? Keeps my mind busy and my body exhausted so  I can go to sleep at night. Rigth now all I see is lowering my husband into his grave and I hear the dirt hit his urn and it is shoveled in.Not condusive to a good nights sleep. I so wanted to go back the next day dig him up and bring him home with me, But he is where he wanted to be. It has been alsmost 8 months and it seems that I miss him more everyday. Not in the way that I wish he were here to help , but in the quieter ways,soft carresses, kisses, holding hands, the looks yes the look of love.

Yesterday

Yesterday our Grandaughter Chelsea dropped by. Her baby, our first great grandchild is due in September. She brought the babys father, her boyfriend to meet us. I do not talk about Bryon in the past tense as he is still very much apart of my life. You know what? I liked the boyfriend. He got to know who Bryon is by listening to Chels and I talk. Chels is very much like her grandfather. In her I see the way she questions things,their sense of humour is so alike. I am sitting on the back stoop, the sun has just set all is calm. In my mind I am listening to Bry, his funny jokes, his views on just about anything. I see him sitting across from me, beer in his hand, he is not sick, he is not fighting for his life. He is just Bryon, my husband.
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Stark Reality

Digging your husbands grave, exactly 4 feet in depth brings home the reality of death. On the Friday before Bryons funeral ,Casey, his friend Joe and I did this. I tried not to think about what we were doing. I wasn't sure if I could do this, but I did, for Bryon. The service was nice, that is if any funeral service can be deemed "nice" The forty or so people who attended were treated to Ontario's fineset, the Blackfly. Someone must have told them there was fresh meat in town for they came prepared to dine. As we stood there listening to the minister I could hear Bryon whisper in my ear" take a look around Wendy, watch all the people trying to listen while their hands are busy swating the flys, it really is funny:" A smile passed quickly across my face. As people left I took the shovel from Casey and covered Bryon with the earth. I couldn't finsih doing it, Casey and Joe did. I had brought a solar frog on a moterclycle to put on his grave. The next day Bryon and I spent a few quiet minutes while I put bricks around the base, filled it with white rock and placed the frog on it. I planted 2 small cedar trees on either side of his headstone. A part of me wanted to dig him up, to bring him home, to be with me. But he is truly home. I miss him so much. I feel numb.

Peace and serenity

In a world that is sometimes filled with sadness, something will remind me of what is good in life. This was taken on the trip back east.

One week ago

It has been one week since I buried my husband. A big part of me went with him into the ground. Funerals are the ending of a chapter in life, Bryons funeral brought home the stark reality that he is really dead. I have been living in a fantasy world, keeping busy planning his funeral, as long as I was busy I didn't really have to face this fact. I am so tired, I want to shut myself off from the world, I need time.