torn

It's Friday night and the silence is too much. I am sitting here listening to music, music that takes me back in time. It is my quiet time, time to remember, to cry, to wish. I feel torn apart, I want so much to be with Bryon but there is so much keeping me here.I go through each day "acting normal" being disloyal to what I really feel. When my father died I told myself that I would try to live each day with as few of "I wish I had dones, wish I had said" as few regrets as possible. Now I sit here and my life seems filled with regrets. When Bryon was so sick and on all the heavy meds he wanted to have a beer, I talked him out of it because I was afraid of mixing the med and the beer......did it really matter????? I want time back, time to make it right, time to tell him just how much he means to be, how loved he is. I am taking him back home in June...I promised him this. How can I let him go??? I started this blog as a chronicle of our journey and I promised myself I would keep it honest. I am still on sleeping pills and there are times that it would be so easy to just slip away on them.
I can't and I wouldn't but god it would be nice just to escape this pain.