even later Saturday night

Our neighbour Jim and Marj walked the cancer road as well. There was a time that Jim was in the hospital not knowing if he would loose his leg or not. This was a trying time for Marj, not only was her love in the hospital but he was in there for Christmas. On their front lawn,next to our driveway sit a blue spruce tree. It being Christmas and all I decided that I would put lights up on the tree, they would be on every night until Jim came home.Every night, well past Christmas they were on, it was my tree of hope.Jim lost his leg, and passed away in the fall of the next year,in January Jims brother in law died as well. Marj and I decided to keep the lights on, well past Christmas into the summer. When she started to cut the lawn the extension cord went so did the lights, but come the fall, the lights reappeared. This little tree became our tree of memories, of hope. Now it is also in memory of Bryon. It is almost March and every night people driving by see the tree, all lite up. Our neighbours understand why, as for the other people I don't care. Lindsay says he like to come home late at night and see it, for Marj and I it holds special memories, memories of those we have lost, memories of what we were lucky to have had.

Feb 26, Saturday night

Saturday night, 8:45 and I am ready for bed. I should be sitting with Bryon watching a vid, talking or watching the snow come down. I'm not. The girls were outside playing in the snow, something we don't get here very often. Boots was trying to catch the flakes as they fell, she and Abby had a rip roar of a play. I went inside to tell Bryon, to say he should go to the upstairs window and watch the antics....I started to say his name.....he's not here. My friend tried to tell me that I was a widow, wrong, I am married just a different kind of married. She couldn't get it, kept insisting that I was widowed.Weekends are the worst, they at one time were spent with Bryon, he puttering, me doing housework, coming together for a quick chat and drink then back to our respective chores. Bryon loves the snow, he goes out in the truck, finds an empty parking lot of pulls doughnuts and other antics. He is comfortable driving in it, I am not. As I said, it is Saturday night and I am off to bed.....alone

Tuesday Feb 22,2011

Happy Birthday Bryon. Today is your 64th birthday. All the kids except one texted me to let me know that their thoughts were with us today, they all miss you. Bryon, you should be so proud of all of them. They have grown into wonderful adults, understanding and compassionate. I don't feel anything but numb, I feel as if I am cried out. We were robbed, we should have had many more birthdays together to celebrate. I had to keep my mind occupied today so I started to clean out the office, one of the many chores that I have. If I keep really really busy then I don't have time to think, time to miss. The one problem is, that eventually I get to tired to do anything and I start to think.
Happy Birthday Darling, I miss you so much.

Feb.20 Sunday night

You should not have left me, you should not have died!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday

With Bryon having been so sick he was unable to do a lot of things around the house. Things that he normally would have done. These chores fell to me and in a way I think it helped prepare me for what was to come. If something needed to be fixed I would ask his opinion, to try to make him feel needed, if it was something he could help me with he did. Now I seem to panic if something breaks, I have to tell myself to calm down, listen to my voice of reason and just use plain old womens injenuity. It may not look pretty but I fix it. Putting out the garbage was an act of love, I did it before he tried to, now I do it because it has become something that has to be done and I am the only one left to do it. When he got sick he had to stop walking the girls, something he loved to do. I started to do it and would come home and tell him all about how the walk went.. We shared. Bryons sickness sort of prepared me for this path I am on, the only difference is.....there is no Bryon to share it with.

Feb 15

The day after Valentines Day. Bryon and I always joked that we didn't need a "Hallmark" day to tell one and other that we loved them. Yesterday I missed our usual bantering about this. I bought him a single red rose with babies breath, it sits next to him. I thought that this "new reality" was supposed to get better/easier....when??? I don't want to do anything, be anywhere nothing. I feel so insignificant, am questioning my own self worth. Everything just sucks. I have never been one to just sit, now I find myself doing just that....staring off into space. I have this feeling that I am slipping into depression...what a surprise.
Kris boyfriend came over tonight to use the table saw. Kris asked me if I minded....I lied and said "no" Damn it all it did bother me, illogically so. That was Bryons, he was the last one to use it, his hands turned the switch on. I know, stupid, stupid.

Monday night

Crap..crap...crap...crap...lonely...crap...crap...crap...lonely...crap...crap...crap...lonely...crap...crap...crap...crap...lonely...crap...crap...crap...crap...lonely...crap...crap...crap...crap...crap...lonely....crap...crap...crap...crap...lonely...crap....crap!!!!!!!lonely!!!!!

Sunday

I transfered Bryons truck to Charles on Friday. It is really hard to see someone else driving it. When I pass it on the street my mind keeps thinking that it will be Bryon driving it. I am getting more used to the quiet, the emptyness of the house, mind you the girls are seeing to it that I am kept busy. Have been planning Bryons funeral back east for early June. I am driving him home. This is a trip we should be making together. I remember other trips, we could drive for miles in silence then something would catch both our eyes and we would make almost the same comment. We could be together 24/7 and we loved it. The silence was comforting just because he was beside me. We loved to critic commercials. The other day there was an especially good one on and I turned and started to tell him about it...Abby gave me a weird look. At least I have the girls, I don't sound so stupid when I talk outloud. The moon is coming up later and later. Another sign that spring is around the cornor. I miss Bryon so much.