Five months, one day

It is a beautiful evening and I sat out on the patio. I was waiting, waiting to hear the purr of the engine of Bryons motorcycle signaling that he was about home. Only thing is, it's gone. Ed and his friend have been cleaning out Bryons workshop and his friend expressed an interest in the old bike. He promised it would be treasured and ridden. Bryon is gone, the bike is gone. I feel that while it has to be done, cleaning out the workshop is like cleaning out vestiges of Bryon. No longer can I delude myself that he is in Montana, no, he is dead. I don't know how I have managed to get by for 5 months, I look for him, wait for him to come up the back stairs.My mind trips back to those "last" time he did things, touch the banister, open the door, told me he loved me. I still feel his love.
I love you Bryon and thank you, thank you for 23 wonderful years.

Am I going Crazy

I honestly think I am loosing my mind. I am stuck, stuck in October 29,2010. I can't take down the calender on which I had all the appointments neatly put in with coloured post it notes. I relive every moment of the day. I used to think that I was strong, how did one pivotel day bring me to my knees? My lover, my soulmate, my rock, my Bryon died. I want him back, I want to be with him. I never knew that the kind of love we shared even existed until he showed me. We were one being, now I am fractured, I am not all here. I don't want to live, i don't want to die I want my Bryon back. I made him a promise that I would take him home to be buried, I don't know if I can leave him back there. I am so lost, I feel enveloped in grays and darkness.

I'll wait behind the moon

This size of moon doesn't happen often, the last time was 18 years ago.


Saturday night’s full moon, which will rise just after 8 p.m. in Vancouver, is going to be special — and not just because it will be the last full moon of the winter, coming on the eve of Sunday’s first official day of spring. No, Saturday night’s moon is going to be a supermoon, also known as a perigee moon.

A supermoon is bigger and brighter than an ordinary full moon. The reason: the moon’s orbit around the Earth is elliptical, not round. And so when the elliptical path passes closest to Earth — as will be the case Saturday night —a full moon becomes 14 per cent wider and 30 per cent brighter than an average full moon. Not since 1992 has the moon passed as close to Earth as it will tonight.



Read more: http://www.montrealgazette.com/technology/Look+supermoon/4471837/story.html#ixzz1H6qKlEak

SurvivaL for widows, or widow for dummies 101

In this day and age there seems to be a dummies 101 book for everything, everything that is except widows. It doesn't really matter if you are recent or it has been awhile. So after taking my sleeping pill, which I desperately needed after xcardio class tonight let me try to impart what I have learned in this short while. When anyone comes up and asks you how you are doing, smile and tell them fine, even if you have to lie.They probably don't really want or need to hear just how crappy things are but they feel they have to ask. Be gentle on them, a simple "fine" will put their minds at rest and they can walk away knowing that they at least asked. After a few months it is not appropriate to burst out in tears at music,places or anything. I know that it reminds you of the one you lost but lets face it, by now you should be "OVER IT" Got to love the terminology "IT" Just what is IT. Is it the realization that you have lost your best friend, that in all probability things will never be the same, that you have to become more (dare I say it)self reliant? That where you once cuddled close in bed you now stare into a void or else into a dogs fuzzy face?(at least in my case) People have been so kind to tell me about the "stages" of grieving, I even had a book given to me. I burnt it in the fireplace. If you read my last blog you will understand.....I couldn't find the chapter on I DON"T GIVE A SHIT So there you have it, the beginning of my interpretation of grieving for dummies 101. Remember, this is my place to rantbut if I have offended please let me know, I didn't intend to.

Monday March 14, 2011

There have been many articles perhaps even books written on the"stages of grief"
So tell me noble sage, what has been written,what do you know? I await your tutelage.
Have you perhaps travelled this path, does your knowledge come from your books or from your heart. You freely dispense with your wisdom, you grace me with your words but where do they come from? Oh I see, you have never walked this path, then what gives you the right to tell me what my heart should be feeling right now. Where in the volumes that have been written, where is the chapter titled "I don't give a shit"
What you say....you don't know.....then please shut up, don't tell me what I should be feeling. The when and where are matters of my heart, matters of my mind. I know that you are only trying to help in the only way you can, do me a favour, I don't need or want your help. In my book the chapter I am on is called..I Don't Give A Shit!

Sat night

As Bryon used to say"tonight we loose an hour of our life, I hope I don't die until I get my hour back" He did, he got his hour back. I find myself watching couples, on the street, in stores. I sort of pity them, they seem so in love, ignorant of what will eventually happen to them. One day they will experience the pain of loosing a loved one, one of them. Still, knowing what I know now I would do it over again. Bryon and I liked to think we had the "perfect marriage" Sure we had our arguments but the one thing we could count on was we had each others back. Go after one you go after both of us. I am on autopilot, filling in my days. I have almost all of the funeral arrangements made. I leave Vancouver on May 28th at 6:00 a.m. I have the pastor lined up, hotel reservations and thanks to Jenny at Creative Monuments the headstone. I sure hope the price of gas goes down or else my budget will be blown.
We have a family of eagles nesting in our neighbours tree, Gertrude and Heathcliff, and yes Bryon named them. We have watching them over the years, raising their young. We could sit for hours just marveling at them. The other day Heathcliff had been fishing and flew home and was drying his wings. I managed to capture it..I finally got the "perfect" picture Bryon..enjoy.

Test

I am trying somthing new, something to keep the old brain working. Blogging from my Blackberry. Getting it up and running(if it is)was lots of fun as is the tiny keyboard and my phone. Teachers spend months teaching how to use all fingers when typing, here I am using only my thumbs that hardly fit the keys. Gotta love technology.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

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March 07

Bryon and I would have these discussions, things about what would we want done in the case of... quality of life VS quantity. You talk about it, then it is gone, out of your mind. After all, THAT day is a long way off,you might never have to make it. That day hit me last October, the emergency doctor asked me what kind of care would Bryon want, if he went into heart failure should they try to get him back. We were advocates of quality not quantity. I gave him an honest answer, not once thinking that it would come down to that. I thought long and hard about it. Now almost 4 months later I wonder if I made the right decision, should I have told them to do everything possible to make him live. I asked out long time family doctor if I made the right decision, of course he said "yes" let's face it, what could he say...Well Wendy your are an complete fuck up....I would not have made that decision" This is the conversation that is going on in my mind right now. I know the stats say that cancer would have killed Bryon within the next 5 years, and the chances of it being a long and painful death were good odds. Still, should I have had them try harder? Would it have been fair to subject him to the rigourous efforts to bring him back, would he have felt pain, would that have been what he wanted? During our talks I made him a promise, if and when the end was near, if he was in absolute pain, I would help him exit gracefully. My love for him was so great, that no matter how hard it might be, if he had decided that he had enough I would do this final act of love for him. I didn't have to, insteaad I had to listen to what the doctors said, weigh what his chances of survival were, what kind of survival would he have. All of our doctors said I made the right choice. If so, why is it so hard to live with??????? Wherever Bryon is I pray that he is not angry with me. I love him so much, I miss him each waking moment. I just want him back.