Sitting in the same room

We all have times when we are sitting in the same room as our signifcant other.What I would like anyone who reads this blog to do is, take a good look at them, let your mind drift back to when you first saw each other, how did it feel when you started to date. Remember your first kiss with that person? Now try to live those feelings every day, make each day a "first" recapture the specialness. Neither of you have probably changed all that much, what has happened is that you have gotten comfortable and complacent with one and other, you tend to take the other person for granted. You don't feel like changing the light bulb, heck I'll just ask him to do it.When they do it, don't forget to thank them, give them a kiss, tell them how much the little things mean to you. Moreover listen, take the time to really listen to what the other is saying. Remember how you used to "hang" on every word that they spoke, let it happen again. There is always time to do something else, there is not always time to stop, look and listen to your partner. If your favourite song is playing, that special one, grab your partner and dance, just dance.
Remember.....life ends in a heartbeat.

Monday

I don't think that it gets "better" with time. I think that you just learn to live with everything....the "new reality" Numbness becomes the norm.Sure you go out, meet with friends, laugh, act normal but that is just because everyone thinks, albeit quietly, that you should be able to move on. Maybe somwhere down the road my thinking will change, I will remember the happy days, the 23 wonderful years I shared with Bryon not the emptyness, despair. If I only knew, I would not take one single thing for granted, but let's face it, everyone thinks there is always time. Wrong..... time can be snatched away in a heartbeat.

Easter

Every Sunday Bryon would call his mother.I try to, but can only manage every other Sunday. Today being Easter I called. No mother should ever have to bury their child. The pain in her voice cut me to the core. I have no words to offer her, all I can do is tell her how much she meant to Bryon, to tell her some of the stories he used to tell me about her. When I am back there and met with the minister I am going to take Marie with me, the minister needs her insight, she needs to hear what kind of a son Bryon was. I sometimes wish I lived closer to her, I think she needs family around her. Bryon had holidays scheduled for last September, he was going to go home to visit with Mom. then he got sick, then he died. Marie is in her mid 80's, yes it is hard to bury you son.
I got through Easter, I made sure I ate enough stuffing, Bryon loved it and I ate his portion and mine. It was low key but Charles and his family and I shared a few laughs.
Some days you are the statue other days you are the pigeon...today I am the statue.

Living Life to the Fullest

One of Bryons dreams was to fly an old fighter plane. One year for his birthday he got to fly one of these American Warbirds. He did loops, barrel rolls, verticle stalls. You should have seen the smile of his face afterwards. Neat thing is, they video taped everything for inside the ccokpit and outside on the wing.

Thursday

I am eternally grateful that it is a long weekend. I am going in ever decreasingly smaller circles, can't make decisions, the whole nine yards. Am trying to get pictures scanned for Bryons service, can't decide which ones, can't decide on a route to drive back to Ontario, people tell me to fly back....damn, I used to be such a decisive person. That was when I was whole, when I had someone to bounce ideas off.My sister tried really hard to get time off work to drive back with me but fate conspired against us,I know Shaunee would go with me but she has to keep her hours up at work or no medical. I have asked Sherry if she can get time of work, I would fly her out and we could drive back. If she can't that is o.k. I know that I can make the trip on my own, just leave a day or two earlier and take my time. See, I do know something. I don't know if it will ever get any better, I think a person just learns to live with the pain, emptyness and you start to fill in the gaping holes. Tomorrow I am going to sleep in, maybe my mind will clear.

Good night sweetheart, I love you.

Headstone

They have just finished Bryon's headstone. It will be installed by the time we have the service.

Come sit by the fire

Come sit by the fire. We often didn't need to talk, our silence spoke volumes, he was in my head, I in his. We would talk about the days gone by, of people who had been in our lives and now were gone, we would reminiss about the "good old days" we would marvel about our lives now, dream about all the tomorrows and what they would bring. Our Saturday night fires would bring family and friends together, it was a warm time, a welcoming time. As the fire started to turn to embers Bryon would often see faces, familiar faces in the glowing coals, it brought him peace, that made me happy. This was our time, all the clocks stopped, the moments lasted forever.

Feel free to pull up a chair and sit by the fire.

Tuesday April 12

Had to go to the doctor today to get a RX refill. It is a safe place to talk about Bryon as Dr. D has been my family doctor for over 25 years and Bryons for almost 20. Once again I asked him if I had made the right decisions regarding Bryon and his care and once again he told me I did everything I could do and "no" another round of antibiotics would not have helped.He told me that he felt that Bryon just had had enough, that he knew everything would be alright and it was his time. I wish my heart and head would get on the same page. I hear the doctors words but my mind heart says there has to have been more that I could have done. Dr. D nailed Bryon to a "T" he loved his family, could see the good in almost everything, didn't sweat the small stuff and moreover lived his life to the fullest. What a contrast Bryon and I must have made. I sweat the small stuff. Take for instance the trip in June to take Bryon home. I am agonizing over every little detail, what route to take, how long it should take just about everything.

Yesteryear

Friday night

Sitting here in the dark listening to music. Why do I do this? Probably because it is one of the few times during the day that I can sit and cry.Lately I have been going back to some of our old haunts....trying to reconnect? The silence in the house now is so different from the silence that Bryon and I shared. We could sit, immersed in our own thoughts, silent but I could feel him there. We would glance at each other, the silence is so different. I still expect to hear his key turn in the door, "honey I'm home" No more, not ever again. We are going to be great grandparents, how bittersweet. I have started to mend bridges with our daughter, he was right, it is the thing to do. In a little over 6 weeks Bryon and I will embark on our last trip together, I am taking him home. God how I miss you Bry, you should be here, I should not be blogging about missing you, I should be blogging about how well you are, that you are in remisssion, cancer free. I guess you are.

Wait for me behind the moon....please.

Beginning of Spring

When Bryon was well he loved to take the girls out over to the island for a walk. In the spring he would often come home bearing a bouquet of "flowers" for me. As he put it, they were really pretty, smelled nice but probably were weeds. Darn it all, that man could find the nicest weeds and when he would give them to me, a dozen roses could not compare to them. I miss those times. I like to think that Bryon lived life to his fullest. He dove out of an airplane, we travelled across the U.S to Ontario on a motorcycle. There are a few things he didn't get to do, one being, Bryon wanted to go to clown school in Toronto. He thought it would be great to be able to entertain the childrens at B.C. Childrens Hospital. This is a picture of one of Bryons loves.

Some people still don't "get it" They figure that since it has been 5 months I should be "getting over it" Tell me, how do you get over loosing your best friend? It is said "that the two shall become as one" I feel like a part of me is missing. In 2001, Bryons father died at 2:00a.m, at 6:45 a.m. my mother died, yes the same day. We shared so much and managed to make even arranging two funerals well for lack of a better word "fun" No, his father and my mother did not know one and other. That was the summer of our "funeral vacation"