Organ donation

Will they ever find a cure for cancer? Probably not in my lifetime. Some of the greatest minds are searching for the elusive cure. So many kinds so many cures needed. Cancer not only robbed Bryon of his life but it robed him of doing something good after death. We have signed up to be organ donors. When you die of cancer it negates donating.
I hope that anyone that reads this takes the time if they haven't already to sign up, be an organ donor....Bryon wanted something good to come of his death.

Miss you Pooter Bear
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Long weekend

I wonder how many people think about their own death. I find myself wondering. I hope that it is in my sleep. The one thing that I hope is that I will have few if any "I wish I had done or I wish I had saids" There will be some regrets but I hope they are few. My ex husband is in the hospital awaiting surgery for prostrate cancer. It was in remission but is back. He also had a heart attack will in the doctors office. This is the man I hated with all my worth for so many years. I have mellowed with age, hate is such a waste of energy. I asked my son to give him a message from me....to keep fighting, that I know how scarred he is. I have buried the past, can't say that I have forgiven but I have let it go.
Am sitting out back, no fire ....just listening to the sounds of life.

It has been 9 months today since I lost Bry. Seems I miss him more each day.
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Us then Me

It used to be us, doing things together keeping the flow going. Now it is just me and I am still trying to keep the flow going. Me is trying to keep the house going even when things seem to breaking down faster than I can fix it. When it was us all I had to do is ask and it would be fixed. I am slowly learning that I do what I can and if it doesn't get done today it will be there tomorrow. Sure I have adult kids and sure they try to help out....sometimes but I feel like it is a major inconvience to them when I ask them. I asked my son if he would pick me up a yard of topsoil as he has the pickup. Now I lost my husband not my mind. I know how much a yard is and what I need. My son told me, without even looking at why I needed it that a yard was too much. I am doing my best to keep my home together all I ask is for a little help. When you first loose your husband everyone wants to help you. There are offers of going out for coffee, phone calls then suddenly "poof" nothing. Did I miss the part in the Widows Handbook that tells me how long I can mourn? I think that society thinks that as long as you "act" normal, carry on day to day and are not crying all the time then you are "over it" It was my husband who died not my goldfish. The weed eater bought it then an hour later the lawn mower died. Bryon I do hope you see the humour in all this. My small engine shop is about to be added to my Christmas Card list. I can always count on them.
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July 24

It was a year ago tomorrow July 24 that Tammy, Bryons daughter,lost her husband. He was killed in a small plane crash in northern Quebec. The day that Bryon learned about it was the day he was going to tell his children about his cancer.  Mike was only 40 years young, way to young with so much life ahead of him. Mike had a zest for life and he willingly imparted this to those students who were lucky enough and smart enough to learn from him. Last year was a very hard one for Bryons children, they not only lost a husband and brother in law but also a father. They say that time heals, but when? Mike, like Bryon, lives on in his children and the love of their wives.

One year ago

One year ago today is the day that we sat in the doctors office and heard the words "You have cancer"  I knew that our world as we knew it was about to change, I never thought for one minute that Bryon would die. Cancer was a battle that we could fight, a battle that we would win. I look back and wonder if there was anything I could have done, anything that could have helped.When we went for treatments should I have had him wear a mask, hospitals are a breeding ground for infections, would that have helped? The answer is "I don't know" I am trying to not play the "what if" game for it will surely drive me crazy. Bryon fought so hard, we kept every appointment I read up on everything I could on cancer. We were determined to face this as we did every pitfall in life.......together and head on. My buddy is gone and I am left to face the world head on, but I know that he is here for me if I need him.
Miss you Pooter.....don't forget....behind the moon.

Empty chair

It's Saturday evening and once again I am sitting out back. I managed to get a respectful fire going and I pulled up 2 chairs. I put a beer on the armrest of your chair of course I have my diet coke. Over the crackling of the fire I talk to you and in my mind I am not seeing the empty chair but you, I see your smile and hear your voice. A gentle rain has started, the evening is perfect. I tell you about my day, how I was dropping some old books off in the donation box. Something came over me and I opened up one of the books before droppimg it in. There nestled in one of the pages was a letter dated April 1988. It was the letter you gave to the children explaining that you understood their feelings about you moving in. It was also a love letter to me. 1988 was the beginning of endless possibilities,of days spent in love, a love that even now transpires death.
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Suck it up Buttercup

This whole deal about having a husband with a celestial address is akin to riding the surf....you know calm water then whamo you are grabbed up and riding the big one. For me it is a period of good days, the kind that make me think I am relatively well adjusted to this new station in life then out of the blue I am blindsided. I don't want anyone "dropping over" for a fire or to chat. Some people get offended by my total lack of hospitality....to them I say: suck it up Buttercup. I don't even want to answer the phone, only problem is, if it's the kids and I don't answer they get worried about the old gal. Yup once again I find myself sitting on the patio,alone, in the rain. I hate cliches but Bryon was my soulmate we became as one entity and now I feel broken. There will be better days but right now I am incredibly sad.
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Summer Rain

It's hard. I am sitting on the patio,the summer rain has finished and all t hat is left is the sweet smell of the earth washed clean. I want to pick up the phone and call Bryon. It is his lunch time, I want him to share this moment with me. There have been other tiimes as well, times we should be able to share. I am not angry just sad that he is not here.
I have to redefine who I am as a person. I hav e to do this for me.
Yes I took half a sleeping bill as you can tell by my spelling. I am still trying to master my Blackberry, I received a lovely card from Judy, Bryons pervious wife. She is one classy lady and I mean that in the nicest way. Some people keep their deaceased husbands phone they want to hear his voice. I didn't. His voice, his face,laughter are and will be firmly ingraved in my heart. I don't think I ever went through the "anger" stage of grief. I have nothing productive to be angry at.
All I know is I miss him so much. I want him back but if I can't have that I want the memories we made to never ever leave my heart. This gets me through each day, sometimes it's just a minute.
I love you Bryon, I miss you so much .I sit and watch the moon, I sit and wait. Love know no bounds.
Until we meet again...."Goodnight my Pooter Bear"
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The Problem

Going through my life I seem the have had the tendency like everyone else to put things off. I don't mean the "little" things like housework but what one day became a "big" thing. Before Bryon died he was sitting on the couch, he said he would really like a beer. I suggested that because of the meds he was on it was not a good idea. Would it really have hurt if I had just gone and got him a beer. It would have brought his some happiness. We rush through our lives and too often we miss out on so much. A strangers smile when we hold a door open, the quick smile a friend or lover gives you, it gets shrugged off. What I would give to be ab le to even brush Bryons hand in passing.I had lots of opportunity but often times I was "too busy" now it is "too late" maybe it is because I am older but it seems to me the world and the people are always in a hurry. No! It is not the world, it is us, the people in it. Sad thing is we all fall folly to this. After a death and all too late you realize that "there isn't always tomorrow" you can't go back. If you could I would be the first person to sign up. Bryons death was a rude awakening, I thought I had always made time for him, for us. Obviously not enough or I would not be blogging this. Slow down, the world will not end if you do but if you don't you might miss something precious.
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Appointments

When dealing with cancer there are so many caregivers involved, places to go and appointments to be confirmed. I kept these numbers for Chemo, radiation, the lab and onocology on my Blackberry. Numbers that god willing I will never have to use again. Tonight they came off my contact list. To some this may not seem to be a big deal but for me these numbers represented the battle Bryon and I were fighting, one we hoped to win. They were our lifeline. Erasing then is one small step for me in learning how to live. The calender is still on Oct. 2010, various appointments in different coloured post it notes. Pink for chemo, yellow for radiation etc. I am not ready to get rid of it.....not yet.
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Saturday night

Tonight it is my choice to just exist. Only for tonight. I don't want to feel life, I just want to get through the night.
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Ramblings

This post is being written after a sleeping pill. I don't think I am addicted to them, it's just if I don't take something my mind goes back to Bryon dead in the hospital and my good bye or to digging his grave,lowering him down and shovelling the dirt on him. So it is either the pills or I hit the sideboard with the booze.
I have never been totally responsible for dogs. We never had them as a child, we were a cat family. Dogs make me feel very humble. No matter how crappy a day I have had they are always really happy when I come home. A simple thing like a walk brings them such joy. They are a connection to Bryon as he was the "fun guy" to them. Off leash runs,chasing birds. I am terrified to run them off leash, I just don't have the confidence that Bryon had. They were finding this new reality hard at first. They were very protective of me, maybe I gave off an aura of vulnerability. Now except when I am at work they are always with me. Its reciprical we rely on each other. Through all of us we stay connected to Bryon.
It is after 10 at night and they are having a play. As Bryon used to say "it is the puppy hour"
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Robbed

Cancer robbed me of my husband, of a life with my husband....it killed him! I will not let cancer kill me as well. I will go on and live my life to the fullest, carrying the love, and all the memories of Bryon with me, each and every day. I will take the lessons he taught me about life and how to live it and incorporate into my day to day living. It would be so easy to become a recluse to draw the blinds but the pain would still be there. I will try to live by the standards he set, to live, laugh and love. To try to have no regrets when my time comes.Because I choose to live a full life it does not mean that I love him any the less, it means that he taught me well.
 Someday I will meet him behind the moon, we will embrace, my world will be right again.

It's O K

It's O K to sometimes say that life sucks, that you don't like the hand you've been dealt. I am allowed to hold my own pity party. My world as I knew it is gone but I still have a world. Tomorrow a new day starts and I have to be willing to greet it....life does go on.
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Monday

You have a choice,,,,,you can find the courage to live the life you have been given or to mourn the life you planned.

Canada Day

Started to paint the outside of the house today. Tomorrow the gang is coming over for a BBQ, that is after we finish the painting. For now I am sitting on the back patio listening to the last vestiges of the day. I hear you ask " feel like a fire tonight honey?" We sit and talk. We are comfortable in silence as well. Tonight there is no fire, tonight there is no you....only in my memory.
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