The Eve of 2012

Once again the page is turning on a new year. My children seem to be having a hard time accepting the fact that I want to bring in 2012 alone, just my "girls" for company. They have tried to get me to go out to their parties, talk about feeling like a tag along. I am fine, spending New Years Eve alone is my choice. I have had this last week off work and spent almost the whole week on "me" time, doing what I want, when I want. Christmas was really good. Four generations in one house and not an ill word spoken. Started dinner around 5:00 and we were still eating at 8:00. Bryon would have loved to have the family around, the only thing that would have made it better would have been if his children could have been with him. Second marriages can lead to a lot of regrets. This last year I have spent thinking about the choices I made in regards to Bryons care. I nearly drove myself crazy with second guesses. Should have, could have, would have's. I nearly drove me to the brink. This year I am going to learn to be content with the choices that I made, knowing that what he had was terminal, and his death was peaceful, no pain, he just feel asleep. Death can be and often is extremely painful, the long good-bye I call it. He often told me that he didn't want to die that way. He didn't. I am going to focus more on what I had with him, not what I don't. I sit and look at the lights on our Tree of Rememberance and each light signifies something in our life together, the lights climbing up the tree are sort of like our life. The top one is shining up to the heavens.

I was blessed to have had Bryon in my life.

I love you Pooterbear.

36 years

Thirty six years ago my father died. Where does time go.....or am I just that old?
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Dec 23

The last two years have been far from stellar. Marj lost Jim, Lexis lost Gordie, Tammy lost her Mike, Murielle lost her husband, Jenny(the lady that was such a big help when I planned Bys headstone) lost her husband and I lost Bryon. Boy getting old sucks, people start to die all around you. Kind of humbleing, a wake up call......Hey girl you are not immortal!

I don't remember much about last Christmas, one big blur. This year I am trying to make it all about family, good food, laughter, a great grandson and yes maybe some tears. My doctor said I was becoming a Darth Vader.....come to the dark side, and you know he is right. Now each day I am making an effort to take steps forward, they might be baby steps but they are steps none the less. Focus on how lucky I was to have Bryon in my life not on what I don't have. Brave words, now just to live up to them.

A Story

I think that a lot of people think I should have moved on, I should have started to deal with my grief, or at least be dealing with it better than I seem to be. Maybe they are right, maybe I am just making excuses......

I was born into one family, they gave me up and I was adopted out. I grew up never feeling that I fit into this family, I never fulfilled their expectations. When my brother "ran away" a grand search was launched. (He didn't run away, just went to visit an aunt be didn't tell anyone) Me? Well my parents offered to help me pack. Don't get me wrong, they loved me.....I just wasn't what they had hoped to have in a child. I was a rebel. I never seemed to fit in, not in school, nowhere.
I married at a young age to a man 11 years older. All that came out of that union was 3 wonderful children and a lot of physical and mental abuse. Sleeping in the car with the children to avoid him and his drunken rages, that kind of thing. Finally I left that marriage. Being a single parent was not something I ever envisioned but I did the best I could.

One day Bryon came into my life. We didn't mean to fall in love, he was still legally married but slowly it happened. I fell so deeply in love, it was something I had thought would always be for others, not me. Here was this wonderful man who accepted me for who I was he was soft spoken, told things the way there were, had a sense of humour. Not to sound corny but it was like a fairytale. He was like that warm flannel shirt on a cold day.Bryon let me be me........he got it, finally someone accepted me, and even loved me. Our life was not without it's ups and downs, but I can honestly say that in 23 years we had perhaps 4 fights. I could be with him 24/7 and never get tired of him. We were comfortable in the silence, we finished one and others sentences.  Then he left me, he died.

I had to make the decision on his care, did I want the doctors to do all possible to keep him alive, should I let nature take it's course. Herein lies the problem. My heart and brain are not on the same page, heck, not even in the same book.  My head says I did what he would have wanted, quality vs quantity, my heart is saying" you stupid B.....ch" you might have been able to have a few more years with him. I went to see Dr. David the other day, had a nice long talk, got to vent, tell him how I feel. He told me that what Bryon had was terminal, if not in the next few months, then 1,2,3, years. Bryon was in so much pain that when he went into the hospital and they were able to ease the pain that he finally felt it was time to go, he had suffered enough, he couldn't take anymore. I got angry, that is not the way Bryon was, he was a fighter, he would not willingly leave this world, he would not leave me,how dare my doctor say these things!!!!!!! He allowed me to live with hope, false hope! I felt that I had let Bry down, I had not been able to help ease his pain. I have had a couple of days to think about everything Dr D said. He did what he felt was right, he was just a vessel for me to vent some of my anger at. My hope is that my family and friends will understand that losing Bryon was like being ripped apart, I am so lost. Bryon got it.............he knew that eventually I would find my way.

Love you Pooterbear.

Dec 15, 2011

Sometimes it is a chore just living.

Me

When I lost "us" I also lost "me"
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Lonely

Lonely,miserable,withdrawn.....
How can one man find his way into my heart so deeply that his dying evokes such deep feelings of dispare even after 14 months?
I was blessed to have 23 wonderful years but I feel like I am living a lie. Smiling cheerful at work when all I really want is to tell everyone to go to h...and leave me alone. Is life .worth living...is loving worth the pain?

Wait for me behind the moon
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Waiting behind the moon

Keeping the house up and running

Sometimes it is really hard to get the ambition to keep the house running.
Mundane chores evoke memories. I had to change a lightbulb today, it had been burnt out for almost a month but I kept putting it off. That was one of the things that Bryon had done for me and his hands were the last hands that had been on that lightbulb. In my way I felt that I was slowly getting rid of the last vestages (sp)of him, something I don't want to do. I find that I am getting more and more moody as this "festive" season comes upon me. Both Bryon and I are not "oh goody, it's Christmas" kind of people. We loved the fact that it was family time, everyone came over, we ate, we laughed we had a great time. I sent out a few Christmas cards whoopty do! Most of my shopping was done online, something new to me. My heart is just not into Christmas. I don't really remember much about last year. Somehow the family got through it. It is probably a good thing that I have a job to go to, otherwise my urge to cut the world off would become a reality. I wake up everyday with dread, it is so hard to live when a part of me is missing. I know, or rather I hope that someday this will change, that I will be able to focus more and how lucky I have been not on what I have lost. I wish there was a "Widowhood for Dummies" so that I would know that what I am feeling, thinking is normal. But really, what is normal?

Behind the moon Pooter. I love you.