Tuesday Dec 28,2010

I decided that it was time to make sure that there was a plot available for Bryon back in Maynooth. There are already 4 Poots buried there and it was his request to be next to them.I didn't know the name of the cemetery so I contacted the funeral home in Bancroft, after all they should know the name and have a contact number. After mumerous phone calls and being deferred to different people I finally was given the information. Now to say that I am not the sharpest tack in the box at 6:00 on the morning is an understatement but none the less the funeral director gave me the contact and phone number which I wrote down. It was only later on when I tried to read what I had written that I discovered that I couldn't understand the numbers. As to not want to appear like a total dolt I decided to once again try to get the information. I emailed Hastings municipality asking for a contact name etc. Low and behold they replied with the contact name. Oh shit.....the persons name was someone who used to be good friends with Bryon and his previous wife. When the divorce happened it seems that she took it personally and wrote Bryon off. This hurt Bryon a lot so there was no way I was going to phone her. I was the wicked witch of the west! If it weren't for bad luck I would have none. Anyhow this wasn't getting his plot so I sat down and tried different combinations for the illegable number I had. Low and behold after about 4 tired I got the right person. Let's face it, in a town the size of Maynooth it must seem weird to have some westerner calling and asking it they were the contact person for Emmanual Cemetery.Long and short of it is Bryon is going home next summer.

The hydro was off for about 5 hours last night so I sat in candlelight and contemplated life. What I decided is ..there is no meaning of life, what counts is how people remember you when you are dead..that's it. You just make your way through each day and hope that someone remembers you well.

People say that "it will get better" Nothing can ever be better than the love and friendship we shared, now that is gone, hidden in my heart.

Dec 26,2010

My dear Pooter Bear. This was out first Christmas without you.The kids really rallied round and somehow we made it through the day. Everyone has gone home now. A couple of days before I took up chocolates up to the chemo and emergency nurses as well as Diane the PCC. These people made a difference in our lives. I was wrapping presents, it was not right that there was nothing for you, so the girls and I bought you a remote control helicopter with stabilizers, really cool. I wrapped it and you had a present under the tree. We gave you your box of chocolate cherries, "go" balls and baileys and coffee for christmas breakfast. For dinner you had a beer beside you. I have never felt so alone, even with people around me I am lonely. You know how the two of us became as one. Bryon it is such a dismal thought waking up each day knowing this is how it must be, I miss you so much. If anyone saw me they would think I was a raving lunitic, talking to the moon, crying. I wish I could make time go back but I can't. I will always love you and I miss you so much.

Dec.19,2010

Today Kris and I did the christmas tree.....yipee!!!!!!!! Once again I was reminded of all the things that Bryon did for me,making sure the tree was straight, cutting the end off, just the little things. Damn thing is, you think you are having a good day and whamo, you get blindsided. Went to dinner with Shaunee, Chelsea and Shay.
It was the second time seeing our latest granddaughter and she is a cutie. It was one of Bryons fondest wishes that the family be reunited...darling, we are well on our way. He never lost faith.
I wish that I could find some comfort in knowing that he is no longer in pain but being in pain meant that he was alive and that the pain would go away when he finished treatment. I guess it seems that I cry at the drop of a pin, I never used to cry. I miss you so much. Most evening He gives me a gift, the moon shines down on the girls and I. I must look and sound like a lunatic talking to it but it is Bryon I am talking to.
I love you, I miss you.

Tuesday Dec 14.2010

There are times, in the quiet, from a distance I can hear Bryons voice, his laugh, see his face through the air. I try to walk towards him but he is surrounded by a haze, a veil which I can not penetrate, it will not let me go to him. I want to ask him why????Why did he leave me, leave me alone. We were a team, two who became as one. He was a fighter, could he have not of held on, drawn from my love, my strength to help fight this battle? If I could trade 5 years of my life for just one minute to hold him, to see his smile, to kiss him, to hear him tell me I will be all right I would gladly do it.

Dec 12,2010

I received a gift tonight, just at sunset the sky burst forth in an glorious aray of colours. At one time Bryon and I would have stood out back to watch it. This was followed by the night sky falling and low and behold there was our moon. I was out with the girls and it seems that each night, no matter how cloudy it is the moon namanges to peak out, even if it is just for a minute. I can't sleep very well so this morning after our 5:30 a.m. dog walk I found myself across the river waiting for Pricesmart to open. Of course I had lots of time so the girls and I had another walk.
I got some christmas presents but everywere I look I see something and become aboutto buy it for Bryon. I want to go back to when our lives were full of possibilities,dreams and hope. Some people just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!They figure that enough weeks have gone by and that "I should get over it" I wake up in the morning thinking this is my life, empty, lonely, without Bryon. Pretty bleak, really empty. I find myself not wanting to go to work,to do just nothing...so unlike me. I want the world to just go away to I can live in the past, in the quiet I can hear him telling one of his jokes, or finishing my sentence,his laugh, smile,the feel of his hand in mine, the things that we take fo granted when we have it. When Bryon got so sick I was not only his lover, his wife but his caregiver, I can't fill that void.
We were meant to spend all out lives together, that is the way it was to be, we would grow old, tell off colour jokes and laugh like silly old fools. He would bitch about Christmas but would still love it. His mind would travel back to what he had missed with his own children and I would see the sadness, there was nothing I could say or do, just be there for him. '
I know that there are reason why things happen but right now I would just like to check out, to go and be with my Bry, but he wants me to come to him when the time is right, and I guess now is not the time. How much pain, emptyness,sadness,lonlyness can one survive????Bryon and I were lucky, we were each others soul mates, ying and yang, we balanced one and other. Without him my life has no balance.
I miss you, I love you, I want you back.......please

Wednesday Dec 08

A bunch of the guys at work got to talking tonight, stuff about being married and how men spend more on their mistresses etc. They turned to Sandi and I and asked what we thought....out of the blue I said that we were both very married and happy with our husbands. I am married so to me it wasn't off to talk about Bryon in the present tense but I guess others found it odd. That is their problem. For a few brief minutes the baby moon peeked out through the clouds and my thought travelled back to summers, Bryon, the girls and our fire. No need to talk, just lost in our own thoughts.....bliss. The girls are still having a hard time, they wait and watch out the window for their dad to come up the driveway. Yesterday Charles brought Bryons bike from out neighbours driveway. He drove it over, I can't begin to tell you how hard it was to hear that sound, to travel back to the nights when I would almost be asleep and would hear Bryon and his bike pull into the drive. I would get up and together we would talk on the patio, our moments.I miss them, I miss him.
I feel like I am being sucked into a vortex, empty, lonely, misserable. Sometimes I question the meaning of life.....is it really worth it?

lonely.....so lonely

Sunday Dec 05,2010

Mornings are Bryons favourite time of day. Me, I prefer to sleep in especially on the weekends but lately I have found myself wide awake at 6:00. Sleep becomes elusive so up I get. The girls are raring to go so it's off to the park. This morning I witnessed and felt just why Bryon loves mornings. A spectactular sunrise. Slowly this ball of fire eases into the darkness, nine hours of light. Tonight the sunset was just as awe inspiring, brillant reds and oranges. In my mind I like to think that this is Bryon's way of telling me that there is more to my life, he is sharing those things that he loved. If life were fair, we would be standing together, sharing the moment, but life is not fair. Sometimes it is so hard knowing that each and every day he will not be with me to share it. He is gone and I am left.

Friday night

I used to love Fridays, the last workday of the week, Bryon would be home around midnight and if I was able I would wait up for him. Saturdays were our days, he would putter in his workshop, I would clean, or shop...the one thing was that one or other of us would say "is it Millar time yet?" and we would both stop and I would have a coke and of course a beer for Bryon.Now Fridys are a constant reminder of what I have lost, how empty my life has become. I try my best to make times fun for the girls but even they sense that something is not the same. Others say that it gets better, for me each day is a constant reminder that Bryon is dead and I must continue to live in a workd devoid of my best friend. I dread mornings, I have to force myself to get through the day. Today at work I just started to cry, nothing really happened to set me of, I just remembered.......
His clothes are still in our closet, I no longer take his shirts down, wash and iron them and put them back, they just are there, waiting for him to choose one to wear. I muddle my way along, doing what I would usually be doing, housework, trying to always keep busy, to keep my mind from going to the "dark place" I can't see to wrap my mind around the fact that he is gone, that he will not come walking up the stairs with flowers for me, or telling me of his day....I will not see him again in this lifetime.
I guess the question is, how do I survive this? I know I will, he laways said that I was strong, but right now I need him to lean on, just to hold my hand, to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be all right, to tell me to eat, to take care of myself.
I love him, I miss him, I wish he could have hung on long enough for the antibiotics to work,
Bryon you know me so well, please, please wait for me just behind the moon, I miss you and you are and always will be my husband.

Thursday, Dec 02

I am now getting a greater understanding as to why many wives, husbands die shortly after one and other. When a partner dies there is a large of part of you that wants to follow them, to be with them wherever that might be. Sometimes it is hard to find a reason to stay on this earth when your one big reason is gone. When and if you say this to family or friends some automatically think that you are going to off yourself. Please know this is not the case with me, I have family, friends and the girls and a big gapping whole in my heart.Bryon and I were almost as one, we could spend 24/7 together and love each minute of it. I have not been able to see the moon, to cloudy, guess he is in Montana. We loved it there and often talked about moving down there....it is so free. Some say that with each day that passes it gets easier.......IT'S A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!.With each day that passes I relive everything, for me it is the last couple of months that I was lucky to have Bryon.
I miss him. Bryon is my husband, nothing will change that, I am not a widow, I am his wife.

Love you, miss you, good night Pooter.